The Calm You Want Lives on the Other Side of a Brave Yes

Picture an eighteen year old sitting in a church in Dublin. His exams are finished. He should feel free.

Then his heart begins to pound. His chest tightens. He’s certain he is having a heart attack.

That moment began roughly five hundred days of panic and high anxiety for him, according to his own account. It also planted the seed of a method that has since helped readers around the world.

Hold that picture. By the end of this post, I think you’ll see that moment, and your own anxious moments, in a completely new light.

DARE, The New Way to End Anxiety and Stop Panic Attacks is a 2015 book by Barry McDonagh. It offers one simple, brave response to anxiety that you can use anywhere.

A Former Sufferer Who Found a Braver Way

DARE by Barry McDonagh teaches a four step response to anxiety and panic. Defuse anxious thoughts with a light so what, Allow the sensations to be present, Run toward them by calling the feeling excitement, and Engage your mind in something absorbing. The book’s core idea is that meeting anxiety with acceptance and curiosity helps it settle faster.

McDonagh wrote as someone who had lived it. His turning point came while lying on his bedroom floor, when he realized that the way he responded to anxious thoughts was feeding the cycle. He began sharing that daring new response online, first in his program Panic Away and later in DARE and its companion workbook.

Let the raw energy of your nervous system express itself fully. Let it excite you rather than terrify you.

Barry McDonagh, DARE, 2015

One Idea Holds the Whole Book Together

Lean in, and the wave passes.

Every chapter returns to that single movement. Fighting anxiety gives it fuel. Welcoming it with curiosity lets it burn through and fade.

So instead of asking how do I make this feeling stop, try asking how can I let this feeling move through me.

12 Lessons From DARE

Part One. The DARE Response

1. The Fear of the Feeling Keeps the Loop Spinning

Anxiety grows when we fear the sensations themselves. The racing heart is uncomfortable. The fear of the racing heart is what keeps the loop spinning. Seeing that clearly is the first relief.

2. Defuse the What If With a Light So What

When a what if thought arrives, answer it with a breezy so what or whatever. A light answer drains the drama before a spiral can begin.

3. Allow the Wave to Move Through You

Say it gently. I accept and allow this anxious feeling. Resistance tightens everything. Allowing gives the feeling room to rise, peak and pass.

4. Run Toward It and Call It Excitement

Say I’m excited by this feeling. Your body is buzzing with energy, and you get to choose its name. Excitement moves you forward.

5. Engage Your Mind and Let the Wave Fade

Once you’ve defused and allowed, give your full attention to something absorbing. A conversation, a puzzle, a task you love. The wave fades while you’re busy living.

6. Flash Fear Is a Spark You Can Let Pass

The first jolt arrives on its own. Everything after it is your response, and your response is where your power lives.

You run toward your anxiety by telling yourself you feel excited by your anxious thoughts or feelings.

Barry McDonagh, DARE, 2015

Part Two. Living Bravely Every Day

7. Invite the Wave and Watch It Shrink

One of the boldest ideas in the book is to ask a panic wave for more. It’s hard to stay afraid of something you’re openly inviting, and the request itself shifts you from victim to participant.

8. Your Body’s Signals Are Stress Messengers

Fluttering heartbeats, tingles and that dreamy unreal feeling are common stress signals. Once your doctor has given you the all clear, you can meet them with understanding.

9. Exercise Is Your Training Ground

A workout raises your heart rate and breath in a safe setting. Each session teaches your body that those sensations are survivable, and movement lifts your mood too.

10. Comfort Zones Grow When You Step Past Them

Safe zones quietly shrink when we stay inside them. Small daily steps beyond the edge make your world wide again.

11. Self Love Is a Daily Practice

Speak to yourself kindly throughout the day. A simple I love myself replaces the inner critic with an inner coach who believes in your recovery.

12. Release Your Crutches One by One

Reassurance habits, the phone you clutch, the person you need beside you, feel helpful in the moment. Releasing them gradually builds real, lasting confidence. Gentle lifestyle shifts, like less caffeine, more movement and more laughter, support every step.

Science Keeps Pointing Toward Acceptance

The DARE response sits in a long, beautiful lineage. In 1962, the Sydney physician Claire Weekes published Self Help for Your Nerves, built on four precepts, facing, accepting, floating and letting time pass, as described in Australian Book Review.

Modern research keeps echoing her. In a 2014 study, Harvard’s Alison Wood Brooks found that people who said I am excited before a stressful performance did better than those who tried to calm down. That’s the Run toward step, tested in the lab.

And a 2007 UCLA study found that putting a feeling into words calms the brain’s alarm center. Every time you say I accept and allow this anxious feeling, you’re naming it, and naming it soothes it. I wrote more about both studies in Make Friends With Your Fear.

Your Practice for Today. The Brave Minute

The next time a wave of nerves arrives, give it one brave minute.

1. Defuse. Answer the first what if with a light so what.
2. Allow. Breathe slowly and say I accept and allow this feeling.
3. Run toward. Say I’m excited by this feeling, and let your body buzz.
4. Engage. Turn your full attention to something absorbing for the next ten minutes.
5. Note the win. Write one line about how the wave rose and passed.

Make it automatic with an if then plan. If I notice my heart racing, then I say I’m excited by this feeling. For extra calm in the body, pair it with the long exhale from Your Vagus Nerve Is the Calm Button You Already Carry.

If anxiety is shaping your days, please reach out to a doctor or therapist too. The DARE steps travel beautifully alongside professional support.

Frequently Asked Questions

What is DARE about?

DARE by Barry McDonagh is a 2015 self help book about anxiety and panic. It teaches a four step response, Defuse, Allow, Run toward and Engage, that helps you meet anxious feelings with acceptance and curiosity so they settle faster.

What does DARE stand for?

Defuse, Allow, Run toward and Engage. You defuse anxious what if thoughts, allow the sensations to be present, run toward them by calling the feeling excitement, and then engage your mind in an absorbing activity.

Who is Barry McDonagh?

Barry McDonagh is an anxiety coach who lived through years of panic attacks after his first one at eighteen. He shared his approach online as a former sufferer, first in his program Panic Away and later in DARE.

What phrases does the DARE response use?

Popular phrases include so what or whatever to defuse a what if thought, I accept and allow this anxious feeling, and I’m excited by this feeling.

Is DARE a replacement for therapy?

DARE is a self help approach that many people pair with professional care. If anxiety is shaping your days, a doctor or therapist is a wonderful partner, and the DARE steps can travel right alongside that support.

How can I practice DARE today?

The next time a wave of nerves arrives, say so what, breathe and say I allow this feeling, then say I’m excited by this feeling, and finally give your full attention to a task you enjoy.

The Wave Always Passes

That young man on the church pew eventually learned to meet the wave instead of running from it. The fear that once closed his world became the doorway to the work of his life.

Your nervous energy carries that same possibility. Name it, allow it, call it excitement, and keep living your beautiful day.

Start early. Start daring. Start today.

Complement this with Make Friends With Your Fear, Your Vagus Nerve Is the Calm Button You Already Carry and Learn to Dance With Uncertainty.

Want a calm, intentional start every day? Hold Until Sunrise is our little app for mornings that matter.

For a little goodness in your inbox every Sunday, join us here.

With love, Paolo

Sources

• Book Freak 152, quotes from DARE by Barry McDonagh
• Christian Bager Bach Brøgger, notes on DARE
• VICE, An anxiety expert explains his approach to panic attacks
• Brooks, Get Excited, Journal of Experimental Psychology General (2014)
• Lieberman et al., Putting Feelings Into Words, Psychological Science (2007)
• Australian Book Review on Dr Claire Weekes