Make Friends With Your Fear

This week the whole world plays with fear. Masks, haunted houses, scary movies, kids squealing on the sidewalk.

I love that. Halloween reminds us that fear can be playful. We dress it up, laugh with it and walk right through the haunted house holding hands.

So let’s carry that spirit into the fears that show up the rest of the year. The hard conversation. The new project. The stage.

Fear Is Energy You Can Befriend

To make friends with your fear, name the feeling, breathe slowly, rename the energy as excitement and take one small brave step. Brain research shows that putting a feeling into words calms the amygdala, and studies show that saying I am excited improves performance more than trying to calm down.

Name It to Tame It

In 2007, UCLA psychologist Matthew Lieberman and colleagues scanned the brains of people looking at emotional faces. When participants put the feeling into words, activity in the amygdala, the brain’s alarm center, dropped. A calming region in the prefrontal cortex lit up instead.

UCLA noted that the finding echoes ancient Buddhist teachings on mindful labeling. Simply saying this is fear begins to soften it.

Call It Excitement

Fear and excitement live in almost the same body. Racing heart, quick breath, buzzing energy.

Harvard researcher Alison Wood Brooks tested what happens when people rename that buzz. In her studies, those who said I am excited before singing, public speaking or a math test performed better than those who tried to calm down, according to the American Psychological Association. Her paper is titled, fittingly, Get Excited.

So instead of asking how do I make this fear go away, try asking what is this energy ready to help me do.

Feel the Fear and Walk With It

Feel the fear and do it anyway.

Susan Jeffers, Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway, 1987

Jeffers gave a whole generation permission to stop waiting for fearlessness. Courage was always fear with its shoes on.

Fear often points straight at what matters most. Steven Pressfield calls that pull Resistance, and he treats it as a compass. More on that in Steven Pressfield Life Lessons.

Five Steps to Befriend Your Fear

1. Name it. Say it plainly. I feel afraid of this conversation. Naming the feeling turns down the alarm.
2. Breathe with it. Take three slow breaths with long exhales. Your body gets the message that you’re safe.
3. Rename the energy. Say I am excited. The racing heart becomes fuel for the moment.
4. Shrink the step. Choose the smallest brave action. Send the first line, make the first call, walk to the front of the room.
5. Celebrate the courage. Every step counts, whatever the result. Courage is a muscle, and you just trained it.

For the breathing step, the long exhale is your secret tool. I explained the science in Your Vagus Nerve Is the Calm Button You Already Carry.

Want it on autopilot? Write an if then plan. If my heart starts racing, then I say I am excited and take the first small step.

Your Halloween Week Practice

• Monday. Write down one fear you’d love to befriend.
• Midweek. Name it out loud whenever it appears.
• Friday. Take one tiny brave step toward it.
• Halloween night. Celebrate. You walked through your own haunted house.

Quick Answers About Facing Fear

How do I face my fears?

Name the fear out loud, take three slow breaths with long exhales, then take one small brave step toward it. Repeat the step often and your confidence grows with each round.

Does naming a feeling really calm you down?

Yes. In a 2007 UCLA brain imaging study, putting feelings into words lowered activity in the amygdala, the brain’s alarm center, and raised activity in a calming region of the prefrontal cortex.

Should I tell myself to calm down when I’m nervous?

Research by Alison Wood Brooks suggests saying I am excited works better. Nerves and excitement feel alike in the body, and calling the feeling excitement helped people sing, speak and answer math questions better.

Is fear a sign I should stop?

Often fear simply means something matters to you. Treat it as information, check for real danger, and when the path is safe, let the fear ride along while you keep walking.

Walk Through the House

The haunted house always ends with an exit and a burst of laughter on the other side. Your fears work much the same way. Name them, breathe, and keep walking.

Start early. Start brave. Start today.

Complement this with Learn to Dance With Uncertainty, Lead Yourself First and You Are a Change Agent.

Want a calm, intentional start every day? Hold Until Sunrise is our little app for mornings that matter.

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With love, Paolo

Sources

• Lieberman et al., Putting Feelings Into Words, Psychological Science (2007)
• UCLA Health, Putting feelings into words produces therapeutic effects in the brain
• Brooks, Get Excited, Reappraising Pre-Performance Anxiety as Excitement, Journal of Experimental Psychology General (2014)
• American Psychological Association press release on performance anxiety
• Susan Jeffers, Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway (1987), book summary